Good Enough to Fly?

For a ridiculously long time now I have been chipping away at a goal. What the goal is, is non important. I will not disclose it. But to help you understand how important this goal is to me, I will tell you that I have joined a sort of support group. Within this group we talk about ways to meet our goals and how to deal with challenges that can thwart our earnest attempts and best intentions. I have been struggling to meet this goal for over a year now, and I can tell you one thing:

Goals suck.

Now Queen Hypocrite here, (call me QH) takes goals fairly seriously. In the freshman seminar class that I teach for undeclared majors, I require my students to write down some of their short term and long term goals, because I believe in the accountability of writing the goal down. When you can see that goal on paper, when you have a record of it, somehow it becomes more real. So why don?t I write it down and tell you, right? Nice try.

My goal has been written down. It has been hanging over my head. It has been a thorn in my side. It has been many other clichés that make me feel as though I have failed even though I have yet to give up or quite striving toward my goal. I am currently toying with that idea. This past week at my weekly meeting, my group leader asked me if I would like to change my goal.

Come again?

Well, she said, we could refine it to help you get there.

Huh?

It might help you; give you that little jumpstart you need.

Lessen my goal?

You do not have to decide today, think about it, and let me know next week.

And I stood in front of this woman, this leader, jaw seemingly unhinged in dismay, head tilted and eyebrows raised in puzzlement, and then the internal Q and A ran rampant and everything else did one of those movie fade out thingies.

I have been working on this goal for a year. A goal that seems so close, yet so friggin far away. I mean I am so over it. I hate this goal. I hate the work of it. I just want it over. But, I can just change it? Never thought of that. Changing my goal. Sheer madness, genius really. I mean why cant I change it? Perhaps I need to take another look at it. I am so tired of looking at this goal. Why not just let it go? Guilt. You wouldnt really make it, would you? And then you have gone on like this for a year and then nothing would have really come out of it except for settling, except for deciding that something else was good enough. Sigh.

I am not sure if I want to change my goal, I said.

Well, I would still think about it . . .

And as she kept talking I quit listening to her because instead of questioning the goal concept in my mind, I began questioning myself . . . She does not think I can make it. She has no faith in me. She thinks I have no faith in myself. She thinks I will just keep floundering here not letting myself get to my endpoint. Oh, God, she?s shrinking me; she thinks I can not let myself be happy because then what will I do? Isn?t she supposed to my cheerleader? Who said she should get realistic?

I do not want to settle, yet I am no longer sure I can make it. People have goals and dreams both big and small that they never realize. Will amending my goal equal giving up? The harsh reality of life is that we really can not meet all of our dreams. Do I face the reality here that maybe I will not make it?

Now seems like an appropriate time to blame the media for some of this unwillingness to face reality. The irony is that what I blame are the reality TV shows. Shows where people face (big air quotes on this one) real life challenges, you know like having to eat cockroaches on a tropical island to keep you from getting booted off the island, or having a nanny come in to train you how to be a parent, and of course we can not overlook your realistic chances to win a recording contract and become discovered as America?s next big thing. I know these shows are staged, and for every dream realized, for every fix-it that happens courtesy of promotional consideration, there are millions of us out here trying to wade through our true realities. I have a theory here, too.

Sometimes reality sucks.

But what are you going to do about it? You can give up or modify or compromise, but to what avail? Should one fail magnificently or just almost get there? I do not think I want to almost get there. When I think of almost getting there, I think of William Hung, the unlikely pop icon. Maybe William didn?t win on Idol, and maybe he is still making money from his singing, but do you think he feels like he really achieved his goal, when in spisite of his money and pseudo fame, America is laughing at him while they sing along. Yet he keeps awkwardly dancing, putting his engineering career on hold( anyone ever question the thought behind that?). On his latest album, William has some inspirational words (available for download on iTunes). He has covered the R. Kelly song I Believe I Can Fly . Knowing this song was written by an alleged sex offender highlight more great American irony and faulty thinking! And yet, William has not given up. William believes he can fly. He believes he can shake his bob bon. He believes that if he can see it, then he can do it.

Right now, I can only say Bull$h*t, Willy.